End of Life Matters
End of life Doula Melissa Murphy, a companion, guide and resource supporting our community in end of life matters.
www.starsbeyondourskin.com
“So, if you are too tired to speak, sit next to me for I, too, am fluent in silence.” – R. Arnold
I fully appreciate that silence does not come easy for many and that it can be nearly impossible to find within the fullness of our days. It may even feel akin to having a superpower as we associate silence with awkwardness, uncertainty – even the ominous. ‘The silence was deafening’. There is a fear of silence that’s a part of our nature, yet this can change if we care to engage with it. I think I’ve always had an appreciation for silence. I can remember seeking out quiet places even as a child when too often it seemed there was a TV or radio on in the background; feeling out of place to me. One of my favourite sounds were crickets singing on a summer’s evening or, better still, seeing fireflies popping up in the night sky, nearly inaudible. Years later, I’d drive to the desert when I lived in Southern California, not only because it was spacious, but it seemed like the quietest place on earth. Once in a while, I’d hear the buzzing of a fly out there, nothing more. Today it’s no surprise that I reside in the quietest place I’ve ever lived, in a home in that same vein. Once or twice a year, I have the privilege to carve out a weekend for a silent retreat with a spiritual community. I also invoke silence as a part of my work as an end of life doula. Whether holding space in presence for another or facilitating a grief circle, I would encourage this. Silence nourishes us in a number of ways. As I write this piece the silence (aside from the hum of electricity and some bird song) supports my bringing full attention to what I’m doing. When I step outside, as I have on many midwinter evenings as of late, the near silence reminds me that I’m tiny in the world, which I usually find comforting. If I’m feeling uneasy however, I can also tune into what is steady around me, such as the dark sky, the stars, the cool winds, and a stream flowing in the distance. Sensing into what is always there as time marches on in an ever-changing, impermanent world offers solace. Recently, I came across this phrase from Rumi, the late Sufi mystic: “We rarely hear the inward music, but we’re all dancing to it nevertheless.” Speaking of music, another line from a song comes to mind: ‘Enjoy the silence’. There is more that could be said on the medicine of silence but I’m inspired to share a few ways that we can consider the value of silence with others because it does have a place in every conversation. It’s particularly potent for tender conversations like those about end of life and grief. There isn’t one among us who isn’t going through this – a death or anniversary of someone or something loved and grief related to something that’s irrevocably changed us – even in the year just gone by.
Silence can be a powerful communication tool in many ways and it’s been said to speak louder than words. ‘Silence is golden’. I realise this can vary widely across cultures and that it’s not one size fits all – much more like an ongoing practice. I also want to acknowledge that being comfortable with silence is very difficult – even for someone who welcomes it. At this moment, I’m imagining an encounter with someone experiencing a life transition; trying to process it: A massive thing that continuously happens and touches us all. Silence can offer letting go of the need to say the right thing. While we know there are no perfect words, we still try to find them. It’s no small thing to be a steadfast person for another. As author and retired palliative care doctor Katherine Mannix has said “to show up and be someone’s companion in distress conveys I’m with you and I’m listening.” She goes on to say “these days I use silence deliberately; it allows you to move from one understanding to another.”
Silence helps with slowing down the conversation. As a fellow human and end of life doula, silence feels like a win/win offering each person moments to breathe and pause. For me, it’s also taking time to notice how I’m feeling while remaining open to what’s happening. From this place I can consider too what’s not being said, which offers insight for questions and sharing later on. Going slow conveys that I’m present, I’m following their lead and that there is time. Without saying a word, this pace conveys ‘I’m here with you’.
Sometimes it’s assumed that nothing is happening in silence, yet much work is going on. Silence is the space where transformation is brewing and clarity becomes available. It gives the other person opportunities for reflection, as they gather their thoughts; tuning in to mind, body and spirit (their deep quiet within). Consider that the silence may not even be noticeable with all of this unspoken activity – they may be discovering a different point of view or making a new connection. This can also occur long after an interaction, so I let go of expectations and outcomes – returning to being with the person. In ‘The Art of Stillness’, author Pico Iyer reflects “as soon as you sit still you find that it actually brings you closer to others in both understanding and empathy.”
There are other ways of communication that come through in silence, alchemising possibilities that can foster a deeper connection (I liken them to magic moments and am certain you’ve had them too). Two years ago this month, I wrote about Dave (“Can I pay you in pies?, February 2023). The article can be accessed online at www.westcorkpeople.ie under the Health and Lifestyle section. Due to debilitating illness, Dave was unable to communicate verbally yet accompanying him in moments via eye contact, offering a hand or witnessing a sunset together from the care home he resided in, taught me as much – if not more – than many a conversation I’ve had in my work. The writer Faraaz Kazi affirms “eye contact is way more intimate than words will ever be.”
To learn more or to connect with Melissa, email her at starsbeyondourskin@gmail.com or visit www.starsbeyondourskin.com. She also welcomes your questions or ideas for future columns.
