End of Life Matters
End of life Doula Melissa Murphy, a companion, guide and resource supporting our community in end of life matters.
www.starsbeyondourskin.com
“The greatest gift is a portion of thyself” Ralph Waldo Emerson
At this time of year when hearing the word resolution can feel overwhelming, I hope you’ll forgive me for bringing up legacy, another word with mighty connotations it seems. Often bringing to mind visions of lofty accomplishments, philanthropic gifts, or precious objects passed down to descendants, what if, as the quote above suggests, the most important gift we can give is ourselves? According to the ‘Journal of Death and Dying’, legacy is indeed a method of leaving something behind after death and/or making meaning of the end of life, but it also includes what’s meaningful to us while we’re alive. It suggests that we can live and create legacy by the small things we do every day.
An author and practicing end of life doula in the San Francisco Bay area, Diane Button has much lived experience when it comes to legacy. One of her blogs titled ‘End of life Legacy Work: A Path to Peace, Joy and Purpose’, begins with her story. There she also expresses the meaning of legacy thoughtfully, writing: “From my experience, the most beautiful legacies are not about money and possessions. A poignant and heartfelt legacy comes from within. It’s not about what you did, but who you are. It’s not about what you chose to do, but why you chose to do it. This is where your heart shines. A legacy doesn’t have to be about monumental accomplishments. Some of the most beautiful, lasting, and profound legacies involve people who lived a life of everyday goodness, humbly filling their days with small acts of kindness, and touching lives in simple ways.”
In recent weeks, I found myself intently following a recently televised, high profile funeral. I was only a child growing up in the States when the late Jimmy Carter served as president, yet I’ve been moved beyond measure while tuning in to live updates of his many public memorial events in recent days. There was much pomp and circumstance for the former president, military veteran and humanitarian. That he lived to be 100 and was married 77 years is amazing, but it was the stories and experiences shared by people across a spectrum of backgrounds that were really something to witness: Simple and profound impressions of kindness and care. It’s also been interesting to consider the timing of this moment with a new calendar year upon us. There’s certainly been no less grief and loss in our collective consciousness. Thinking about the legacy of Carter and others less publicly known – including closer to home – has felt like a refuge in spite of the ever-present sorrow of the world.
A beloved 17-year-old from our community died suddenly in November and has been in the hearts and minds of countless people ever since. The collective sharing continues over these weeks and months via a WhatsApp group. It’s been a gift to be connected there and taught me more than I could have imagined about the way he has touched others, of many ages and places, in his young life. There is a saying that goes “and in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count; it’s the life in your years..” This routinely comes to mind when hearing reflections of this boy’s genuine caring for all creatures from so many people. He also had great passion for current events, arts, culture, history, science and more. Obi was fully engaged and in awe of life – his legacy. Another unforgettable soul to be inspired by and long remembered.
I’ve just discovered Big Talk (makebigtalk.com) which is a global movement on a mission to “tackle feelings of loneliness and isolation.” A living legacy project in itself, it was started by one young woman who approached strangers and, with the intention of skipping small talk, asked: “what do you want to do before you die?” She would then record the stories. A simple gesture perhaps, but the work and results are profound. Questions such as “what are you proud of?” or “what has been the darkest time in your life and how did you overcome it?” are among two more recent queries. One video clip I came across today featured Eric, a 93-year-old who lost all his possessions in a Los Angeles fire this week – including mementos of his late wife who he’d been married to since they were 17. He shared some of his life and love story in response to several sensitively crafted questions. Then came the final one – “what legacy do you want to leave behind?” to which he replied “my life is not gone – that is an amazing thing. I have great grandchildren, so there’s a lot to look forward to, as they grow up. I just want to continue being around; seeing them grow.”
I also came upon ‘Life book’, a memoir service based in the UK that helps people to write their life stories around the world. Their website has some interesting blogs on this subject, one suggests a few ways we can engage with the topic of legacy. Naturally, this includes telling or writing our own stories, as well as curating our family histories, giving of our time or donating to a good cause, mentoring others to name a few. Many are likely ideas we have considered or are already doing. It has me thinking about what it would look like to expand my breadth of generosity and capacity for listening; passing on what’s been learned in life and further inquiry into remembering past generations. And so, what’s your legacy today?
“Your legacy is every life you have ever touched.”
Maya Angelou
To learn more or to connect with Melissa, email her at starsbeyondourskin@gmail.com or visit www.starsbeyondourskin.com. She also welcomes your questions or ideas for future columns.