Boundary. If you look this word up in a dictionary or explore its origins in language you will find it refers to setting limits. Quite often a boundary is referred to when talking about land, an important thing to have in place to avoid conflict and confusion: Usually represented physically by building stone walls or erecting fences. Yet, boundaries are also important to have in place in relationships and in one’s way of living their life. Without them there can be much conflict, confusion and even chaos.
Boundaries are important in therapy and counselling; a therapist will usually begin by discussing a contract – a document or verbal agreement, which covers things like fees, frequency of therapy and, in more rural areas, contact in and outside of the therapy room. This ensures that chance encounters in the aisles of Lidl or at the bar in the local are already discussed! There should also be consideration of physical boundaries, such as a comfortable distance between client and therapist sitting together in the therapy room. Psychological boundaries apply through which a therapist should regulate themselves in session with a client and the therapy should not become about the therapist. Furthermore, a therapist should never push a client to reveal something, re-experience things or do anything that they might feel uncomfortable with.
Outside of therapy, how do boundaries come into play in our day to day lives? Why are they important? Do we all have them and do we all respect them? Boundaries are crucial for psychological health, they are a means of defining the self and regulating interactions in relationship with others. Healthy boundaries allow individuals to express their needs and desires, maintain a sense of autonomy and agency, protect themselves from harm, and engage in relationships that are mutually respectful and fulfilling; all essential for psychological well-being. In stark contrast, unhealthy boundaries, whether too rigid or too loose, can lead to a range of psychological challenges.
Research regularly finds that rigid boundaries can prevent meaningful connections with others and contribute to feelings of isolation; whereas permeable boundaries may result in vulnerability to manipulation, exploitation, and further psychological harm. A way one might become aware of a lack of capability to set and hold boundaries in their life is when they say something along the lines of “why does this keep happening to me in relationships?”. Sometimes a person might wonder why they always leave conversations feeling like something was “taken” from them, slightly uneasy in the stomach or feeling a bit lightheaded. Often, a person may feel they have lost touch with their gut instinct or sense of self in general.
It can seem straightforward on the surface. “I don’t like it when you say that to me”. “Please don’t treat me like that”. “You are in my personal space”. “I don’t like that restaurant, let’s go somewhere else?”. Yet, life, relationships, and unexpected events can greatly impact and diminish a person’s right and ability to set boundaries. When an individual experiences trauma, particularly interpersonal trauma such as physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, the ability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries is often compromised. This can sometimes lead a person to an unconscious repetitive, seeking out of the same unhealthy situation, which violated their boundaries in the first place, as it can feel safe to do so. Better the devil you know, as the saying goes!
Trauma can disrupt a person’s internal sense of safety and trust, leading to confusion about where boundaries should lie. This boundary confusion is a common response to abuse, as the very nature of abuse involves a violation of personal boundaries, whether physical, emotional, or psychological. When I refer to abuse it can be anything from bullying, in work/school and so on, to childhood sexual abuse or emotional abuse in a romantic relationship and everything in between.
The purpose of boundaries is to allow for healthier relationships, and enable people to feel vulnerable while also staying safe. One can feel safe and feel close at the same time with a boundary in place, which is respected. On the other hand, putting walls up can lead to mistrust in relationships with others, such as hiding emotions or avoiding conflict. Yet, it can feel easier to do. So, why do people put up walls? Well, most of the time it is because it is easier to isolate and protect oneself than feel scared or vulnerable. Being afraid of vulnerability, fearful of having a hard conversation, or scared that setting a boundary will be perceived as being mean, is the harder thing to do.
Trauma and abuse are varied, but in regard to boundaries, it can be helpful to categorise. Physical abuse, for example domestic violence, directly violates an individual’s physical boundaries, often leading to a sense of powerlessness and a distorted understanding of personal space and bodily autonomy. Survivors of physical abuse may struggle to assert their right to personal space or may become overly protective of their physical boundaries, leading to either hyper-vigilance or detachment in interpersonal relationships.
Emotional abuse undermines an individual’s emotional boundaries by belittling, demeaning, or controlling their feelings and thoughts. This type of abuse can lead to difficulties in recognising and honouring one’s own emotions, as well as challenges in setting limits on others’ emotional demands. Survivors of emotional abuse often internalise their abuser’s negative messages, which can result in a compromised sense of self-worth and an inability to trust their own emotional experiences. Psychological abuse, which includes manipulation, gaslighting, and coercive control, severely damages an individual’s psychological boundaries. Abusers may distort reality, leading survivors to doubt their perceptions and judgments. This type of abuse can cause deep confusion about what is real, what is acceptable, and what is safe, often leading to a profound sense of disorientation and difficulty in asserting one’s own thoughts and beliefs.
Lastly, sexual abuse is perhaps the most direct and devastating violation of personal boundaries. It not only transgresses physical and emotional boundaries but also deeply affects a person’s sexual identity and sense of self. Survivors of sexual abuse may struggle with issues of consent, trust, and intimacy in future relationships. They might become overly permissive in an attempt to regain control over their sexuality or overly restrictive to protect themselves from further harm.
To sum it up, building a wall can sometimes be the best thing a person can do to cope and protect their raw, vulnerable and open wounds, whether emotional, psychological, physical or sexual. Every person can only do the best they can with what they know at any time in their life experience. Through therapy, a person can learn to take down the walls, to examine the wall brick by brick and decide what use they have for it moving forward. Sometimes it might be creating a door in the wall or repurposing it into a solid foundation. Rumi, a famous 13th Century Persian poet, writes about this process beautifully when he says; But that shadow has been serving you! / What hurts you, blesses you. / Darkness is your candle. / Your boundaries are your quest.
The experience of working on boundaries and what affected them in the first place is unique to each person, requiring different therapy methods and approaches. I regularly work with clients who believe they have “lost” their voice, are “people pleasers” or have “patterns”. The work often transpires to be about boundaries in many ways. A person can recover their right to be ‘boundaried’ in the healthiest of ways by doing such work in therapy. Everyone has a right to know and implement the boundary around their internal landscape. Learning to do so can let a wound breathe and give it the respect, time, attention and space needed to become a scar. Scars can be a reminder of what someone survived, yet also a beautiful indicator of the depth of a person’s courage and resilience, which they can use to choose to be the hero of their life story moving forward.
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