Therapy can be an invitation to be in relationship with one’s ‘self’, with others and with the world from a place of compassion. One of the most powerful ways this shift can occur is through the cultivation of self-compassion. Not a self-indulgence, as some might mis-label it, but a courageous, radically honest and tender turning toward ‘the self’. What is ‘the self’? ‘The self’ can be referred to and conceptualised in many ways as one’s spirit, soul, consciousness, core, inner spark and so on. When a client sits across from me and says something like “I just feel like I should be better by now” or tells me “I know I shouldn’t feel this way”, I am acutely aware that their ‘self’ is not receiving compassion, rather self-criticism or judgement. These are not rare moments in psychotherapy and counselling sessions, rather they are regular visitors to the therapy room. Quiet echoes of a painful truth that we often treat ourselves in ways we would never treat another.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneering American educator, author and researcher in this field, defines self-compassion in her book aptly titled ‘Self-Compassion’, as having three core elements: self-kindness (being gentle rather than harsh with oneself), common humanity (recognising that suffering and imperfection are universal) and mindfulness (being with what is without exaggeration or avoidance). These three elements are simple to name but can feel deeply challenging to embody, especially for those who have internalised the message from external sources in their life that they are not enough, not allowed to falter or not worthy of care.
Paul Gilbert, an English psychologist and founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), adds an evolutionary lens to understanding of self-compassion in his book ‘The Compassionate Mind’. He writes that our brains are wired with threat detection systems designed to protect us but in modern life these systems often misfire. We become self-critical not because we are broken but because we are trying, often ineffectively, to keep ourselves safe. Harsh self-talk becomes a misguided strategy for control, discipline or survival.
In therapy, the work can often begin with disentangling that wiring. When a client speaks with pervasive shame about something they’ve done, or something they haven’t done, I have found myself asking in response what they might say to their child/friend/significant other if they said the same thing? The response to my question is usually full of compassion, heart and love. More compassionate, more generous and more wise than how the client treat their ‘self’. We all have the capacity for these things and therapy can facilitate a slow exploration of what gets in the way of extending that same capacity inward.
Many of us are walking around carrying stories handed to us by others about our worth, our strength and our place in the world. These stories often demand perfection, toughness, silence or self-sacrifice. The stories can be inherited from families, cultures, systems and histories that do not always know how to honour vulnerability; this is sometimes referred to as transgenerational trauma. We hear this in our day to day lives also when people joke about having “Catholic shame” or “repression” simply by being Irish. When a person brings these stories into the therapy room to be heard and witnessed by an objective other they then give their ‘self’ a chance to examine the story with new eyes. There are many approaches and theories about how to ‘do’ therapy and I always explore with my clients which approach suits them best as a unique individual. It is through the approach that these stories can be explored and examined more deeply in a collaborative way.
Self-compassion also offers a powerful antidote to shame, which is a force that thrives in silence and secrecy. Brené Brown, an American shame researcher and author, writes in her book ‘Daring Greatly’ that “Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy”. Psychotherapy can create a space where shame is met, not with correction of the ‘self’ but with kindness towards the ‘self’; it is then that something can shift. Clients can learn that their darkest thoughts do not make them bad, that their wounds are not a reflection of their value and that their humanity (Self) is not a liability but a common thread linking us all.
The role of attachment style is often important in the work of developing self-compassion, as it is an invisible web formed by early relational experiences that shape how we connect to ourselves and others. John Bowlby was an English psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, a pioneer in the field of attachment and the author of ‘Attachment and Loss’, one of the seminal works on attachment theory. Bowlby discovered that our earliest bonds with caregivers influence our ability to feel safe, to trust and to regulate emotions. When those attachments are disrupted or unsafe, then we can carry wounds that can show up as self-criticism, emotional disconnection or difficulty accepting care. Therapy can be a place of relational healing where secure attachment can be re-experienced and repaired through the relationship with the therapist. A space where a person can gradually learn that they are worthy of kindness, that vulnerability is met with acceptance, and that emotions, even the difficult ones, can be held safely. This relational repair invites self-compassion to grow from the ground up in the fertile soil of the felt experience of being truly seen and held.
Attachment patterns can make self-compassion feel foreign or even threatening. The inner critic, often forged in early relational pain, may argue fiercely against kindness toward self. Yet, with patience, consistency and attuned presence from the therapist, it has been proven in research that new neural pathways begin to form. Donal Hebb, a Canadian neuropsychologist known for his work in the field of associative learning, stated this directly when he said that “neurons that fire together wire together”. Neurons don’t take sides, they wire in response to their environment. Clients can learn to tolerate difficult feelings without collapsing into self-judgment, to soothe themselves instead of self-punishing and to accept their imperfections as part of shared humanity in the environment of therapy.
I often reflect on how much easier it is for many people, including my very human ‘self’, to extend compassion to others, than to their ‘self’. I have listened to clients tell me how they have metaphorically moved mountains for their children, partners, friends and family while simultaneously treating themselves with unrelenting harshness. Therapy can help a person uncover why that double standard exists and, more importantly, how it can be softened. When we learn to include ourselves in our circle of care then we begin to relate to our pain differently. We stop fighting ourselves and start accompanying our ‘self’. Some days, the best anyone can do is acknowledge that they are hurting and that it makes sense. Other days, one might surprise one’s ‘self’ by offering words of reassurance or taking small acts of kindness toward one’s ‘self’ such as a walk, a pause, a moment of breath or a therapy session. These are not small things. They are the building blocks of a new way of being.
I have been deeply privileged to bear witness to people’s courage in my therapy room, as they develop the quiet power of self-compassion that has reshaped their life. Self-compassion does not erase pain but it can transforms one’s relationship to it. It allows grief to be held with tenderness, anger to be expressed without shame, and fear to be met with curiosity rather than avoidance. It creates room for growth. To offer one’s ‘self’ compassion is to take seriously the fact that one is alive, trying their best, good enough and human. It is not a one-time act rather an ongoing practice, a practice that therapy can help cultivate and support. We all have great compassion for our loved ones, yet we often forget we have the skills and foundation to offer it our ‘self’. Therapy can be a space where that capacity is remembered, re-learned and reclaimed.
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