Self-compassion has become a widely used term in psychotherapy and something I have mentioned regularly when writing these articles. At its core, it is less about doing something to oneself and more about how one comes into relationship with one’s own suffering. In contemporary psychology, Kristin Neff, an associate professor in educational psychology at the University of Texas and author of the book ‘Self Compassion’ is widely recognised for bringing this concept into the mainstream. She defines self-compassion as comprising self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. In her words, “self-compassion involves being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness toward oneself”.
Suffering is part of the human condition. We cannot know joy without sorrow. To be self-compassionate, according to Neff, is to move from over-identifying with our suffering to being mindful of it. What does this mean in practice? It means that we recognise our unique suffering and we notice it rather than falling fully into it and identifying with it as the only thing we are experiencing. She writes that the next step towards self-compassion is to move from the experience of isolation in our suffering to common humanity. This is to recognise that every human on this planet is just that, a human. That we all have humanity in common. When we can recognise this fact, then we can also know that every human suffers. This can open a new aspect of suffering that can alleviate the sense of isolation we can feel. It is easy to think “I’m all alone in this suffering” yet by recognising common humanity we can move out of that isolation.
The last step according to Neff is to move from self-hate or self-criticism to self-kindness. In practice, this is very much about being kind to one’s Self. This does not mean that we become egotistical or display narcissistic traits. If you think of the person you are closest to, that might be a friend, family member or partner, I can hazard a guess that you would go to the moon and back and move mountains for that person if they shared their suffering with you. You would do everything in your power to alleviate their suffering. Self-kindness is about turning that move to alleviate a person’s suffering on oneself. To become one’s own best friend instead of one’s own worst enemy. What is important here is not simply the presence of kindness but the stance of openness to one’s experience. This is not about correcting or fixing something. It is about allowing an experience to be held without immediate judgment. In practice, this often runs counter to how many have learned to relate to themselves, particularly those who carry histories of shame or trauma. Intentionally creating self-compassion doesn’t stop suffering, rather it means you can have the skill of not making your own suffering worse.
Christopher Germer, an American clinical psychologist who has co-authored books with Neff, writes how the apparent simplicity of self-compassion can obscure its difficulty. In my work, I often notice that for many clients, especially those who are actively suicidal or deeply self-critical, offering kindness inwardly can feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. In this sense, self-compassion is not a skill to be learned. Rather, it is often through the experience of being met with compassion by another, in this case a therapist, that a person can take what is offered and turn it inwards. This is where the work of Paul Gilbert, a British clinical psychologist and founder of Compassion Focused Therapy, becomes particularly relevant. Gilbert situates compassion within an evolutionary framework, describing how human beings have developed multiple affect regulation systems.
He suggests that “compassion is a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to try to alleviate and prevent it”. This definition places emphasis on sensitivity rather than positivity and acknowledges that turning toward suffering requires capacity. Often that capacity is not easily accessible to everyone. For individuals who have spent much of their lives in threat-based states, the idea of responding to themselves with care can activate fear rather than relief as they would have experienced their needs and wants as leading to danger once upon a time. Gilbert’s work invites a more nuanced understanding of the challenges to practicing self-compassion and explains why it can be protective to not practice it if shame, trauma, suicidality and/or abuse are part of one’s experience.
The mindfulness component of self-compassion draws heavily on the work of Jon Kabat-Zinn, who introduced mindfulness into Western clinical contexts through Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. He describes mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally”. Within self-compassion, this quality of attention allows one to notice suffering without becoming overwhelmed by it or pushing it away. It creates a kind of internal space, or capacity, where experience can be witnessed. Without this, attempts at self-kindness can become entangled with avoidance or self-criticism.
Research on self-compassion has found how it functions psychologically, that it is associated with greater emotional resilience, not because it removes distress, but because it changes how distress is processed. Research in 2007 found that “self-compassionate people appear to be more willing to acknowledge and accept negative aspects of themselves”. This willingness is clinically significant, as it is often the avoidance of internal experience that maintains suffering. Self-compassion, in this sense, is not about feeling better, rather it is about being able to feel without becoming defined by what is felt. An existential perspective, it has also been explored in research and situates self-compassion within a broader engagement with suffering and meaning. Research in 2016 found that “the healing power of self-compassion lies in its ability to transform suffering into a meaningful human experience”. This framing moves away from symptoms and notes that suffering is not something to be eliminated but something to be understood and held within the context of a making meaning of one’s life.
The roots of these ideas can be traced back to Buddhist psychology, where compassion is considered a fundamental orientation toward suffering. The teachings associated with the Dalai Lama often emphasise that compassion involves recognition of shared humanity. As he writes, “if you want others to be happy, practice compassion; if you want to be happy, practice compassion”. While simple, this reflects an understanding that the boundaries we draw between self and other are often more permeable than they appear.
Across these perspectives, there is a consistent theme of self-relating. This has implications for how things work in therapy and how people can change by attending therapy. Many therapy approaches focus on modifying thoughts or behaviours, which can be effective but may leave underlying relational patterns intact. Self-compassion, by contrast, speaks to the way a person meets themselves in moments of difficulty. It is less about what is thought and more about how those thoughts are held. People who experience persistent self-criticism or shame are often not lacking in insight. They may already understand the origins of their distress or recognise the distortions in their thinking. What is often absent is a sense of internal safety.
This is why the relational context matters. Self-compassion is often first encountered interpersonally, through the experience of being understood and not judged. Over time, a person can begin to internalise the experience. The therapist’s stance becomes a kind of model that can be followed, not in a prescriptive sense, rather as a lived experience of another way of being. There is also a need to be cautious about how self-compassion is framed culturally. In some contexts, it can be misunderstood as self-indulgence or weakness. Neff addresses this directly, noting that “self-compassion is not a way of judging oneself positively, self-compassion is a way of relating to oneself kindly”. This distinction matters, particularly for individuals who have been misled to believe that their worth is contingent on performance or achievement.
Self-compassion is not a technique to be applied forcefully. It involves turning toward what is difficult, recognising it as part of being human and responding with care for one’s Self. For many, this is not an intuitive process. It requires time, safety and often the presence of another. Whether therapy is focused on addressing a person’s challenges cognitively, relationally or somatically, to name a few ways, the question of how a person relates to themselves remains central. Self-compassion offers one way of engaging with that question as an ongoing practice of meeting oneself, again and again, in the midst of experience. A powerful stance to take in a world that is currently so polarising and harmful to so many. Self-compassion is gentle and courageous thing to engage in and therapy can be a safe place in which to practice.
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