You sit down with your teen, you have what feels like a genuinely good conversation, and together you come up with a plan – maybe about curfews, screen time, chores, or something else that keeps causing friction. You’re careful with your tone. They stay surprisingly open. For once it feels like you’re on the same team. You walk away feeling relieved, maybe even proud, because it finally seems like things are moving in the right direction.
And then the agreement gets broken.
They walk in almost an hour late. You find them still scrolling at midnight even though the phone was supposed to be off hours ago. Or the dishwasher is sitting exactly the way you left it yesterday. That sinking feeling comes back: the disappointment, the frustration, the anger, the “why do I even bother?” thoughts. Sometimes it turns into hopelessness, the kind that whispers that nothing you do really matters, that all this effort is pointless.
But here’s the part most parents never hear: a broken agreement isn’t a sign the system failed. It’s part of the system. Teens don’t build responsibility by getting it right every time; they build it by learning what happens when things don’t go to plan and how to repair trust afterwards. What you do next actually shapes the long-term outcome far more than the agreement itself. This is the moment where things can either turn into power struggles, resentment, and distance, or become an opportunity for accountability, growth, honesty, and understanding.
Before going straight to “they don’t care” or “they’re pushing boundaries for the sake of it,” it helps to remember what’s happening in their brain. Neuroscientist Frances Jensen writes about this beautifully in The Teenage Brain: the part of the brain responsible for planning, impulse control, judgement, and thinking ahead is still under construction well into the mid-twenties. Teens often mean to stick to agreements, and they often believe they will, but then emotion, distraction, peer influence, or simple forgetfulness takes over in the moment. What can look like defiance is often a combination of underdeveloped executive skills, a biological pull towards risk, and a limited ability to imagine future consequences. That doesn’t excuse the behaviour, accountability is still essential, but it helps you approach the situation without assuming the worst.
Strong agreements are built during calm moments, not heated ones. They work best when your teen feels truly involved, not dictated to. When teens feel ownership, they follow through more consistently because the agreement taps into autonomy rather than fear. Decades of motivation research (like Deci and Ryan’s Self-Determination Theory) backs this up. When you’re creating agreements, the little things make a big difference: being specific, being realistic, asking for their input, writing it down if needed, and being clear about what will happen if the plan isn’t followed. Not in a threatening way, but more like helping them see the natural chain of events. “If curfew is missed without letting me know, we’ll need to pull it earlier next time.” It’s calm, predictable, and logical.
And even with all of that, agreements still get broken. So what now?
The first thing, though often the hardest, is regulating yourself. It’s okay to feel hurt or angry, but stepping into the conversation in that state doesn’t help you or them. A moment to breathe, reset, and remind yourself what you want your teen to learn will change everything. If your goal is growth and responsibility, then the tone needs to reflect that. Teens learn far more from calm, steady follow-through than from lectures.
The next step is curiosity. Instead of “You broke the agreement,” try “I noticed this didn’t go how we planned, what happened?” You’re not excusing anything; you’re trying to understand what got in the way. Did they genuinely forget? Did they get pressured by friends? Was the agreement unrealistic without you realising? Was there a misunderstanding? These are skills-building conversations. They help teens think more deeply about their choices and understand their patterns.
After that comes problem-solving. Not punishment – problem-solving. What needs to change so the agreement works better next time? What support do they need? Is the plan too tight? Too vague? Too unrealistic? When you do this together, you’re teaching something much more important than obedience: you’re teaching accountability, communication, and self-reflection.
Consequences still matter, but the tone matters even more. You’re not trying to make them pay for what they did. You’re simply following through on what was already discussed. If they missed curfew, the logical outcome is that the next outing ends earlier. It’s not personal. It’s not emotional. It’s just the next step in the learning process. And the more you stick to what was pre-agreed, instead of inventing new consequences in the heat of frustration, the more your teen learns that you’re predictable and fair.
After things settle, look for moments of repair. If they’re honest, appreciate it. If they try to explain, thank them for talking to you. If they apologise, acknowledge the effort. Repair is the part of parenting that often gets overlooked, but it’s the piece that builds trust the fastest. It tells your teen that yes, mistakes have consequences, but mistakes don’t change the relationship.
Different teens will respond in different ways. Some will go silent and shrug. That’s okay, you can come back later and reassure them that you’re not looking to catch them out but to understand. Some will get defensive or push back with “You can’t control me.” In those moments, it’s important to stay steady. “I’m not trying to control you, but I am responsible for keeping boundaries until we can work together again.” Others apologise quickly but repeat the same behaviour. With those teens, the work lies less in apologies and more in helping them figure out what needs to change in the plan so the behaviour actually shifts.
Research backs the value of all of this. Studies in Developmental Psychology show that collaborative rule-setting predicts better long-term self-regulation. Positive discipline research from the University of Oregon highlights that calm, connected responses are far more effective than harsh ones. And Dr. Laura Markham’s work consistently shows that when teens feel emotionally safe, they take responsibility more openly.
So when agreements break, and they will, try to remember this: it’s not evidence that you’re failing. It’s a normal part of raising a growing, learning, developing human being. Your teen isn’t supposed to get everything right. They’re supposed to make mistakes and learn how to repair, reflect, and do better next time. And you’re supposed to guide them through that process with firmness, respect, and connection.
Discipline isn’t about control. It’s about helping your teen grow into someone who can keep agreements with themselves. And every broken agreement, frustrating as it feels, is a step in that direction and if handled with clarity, calmness, and connection.
