Living with young teenagers

Living with teenagers can be one of the most exciting periods in a parent’s life. It’s great to see your children growing into young people with separate views, hopes and ambitions. But, for many parents it’s very challenging to live with stormy or silent adolescents. Some people simply put the difficulties of adolescence down to ‘hormones’ and see the ‘bad times’ as normal. However, it can be useful to notice when relationships start suffering and think about what else might be going on.  

Being a teenager:

The experience of puberty

When children reach puberty, they experience quite rapid sexual, physical and emotional changes which they can’t control. Images on social media emphasise every little detail of how they look. Boys and girls reach puberty at different ages.  They worry about questions such as: ‘am I normal?’, ‘How do I look?’, And ‘what do people think about me?’

It’s not simply self-consciousness they feel, but often real anxiety and distress at how things which they cannot stop just race ahead. The safety, security and certainties of childhood feel like they have disappeared. With newfound physical and sexual capabilities, feelings of confidence and independence fluctuate with being overwhelmed and worried.

The teenage brain

Key to understanding adolescence is that the adolescent brain works in quite a different way to that of an adult. 

The part of the brain that enables adults to weigh a situation up and to make rational decisions is not fully developed in adolescence. Similarly, the part that drives emotional impulses and reactions is very active. 

This can be really confusing for parents and their teenage children alike. It often results in quite a few arguments; so it requires adults to work out new ways of parenting.

Things young teens are struggling with: 

Who am I?

During their early and middle teens, young people develop emotionally by making important choices about how they see themselves and their own unique identities.  Young people can feel under pressure to feel certain about who they are, including making decisions about sexual orientation. Being allowed to experiment with different lifestyles and personalities – just as they try out different clothes and hairstyles – is absolutely what adolescence is all about.  

But these adventures can be full of scary, embarrassing and painful moments, as teenagers are so keenly aware of what other people think of them. Even though they may look confident, it is helpful to remember how fragile things actually are and how feelings can change from one day to the next. In reality, it can take some years to feel sure about what choices to make.

Part of what is on their minds might be what kind of body they are in, as well as sexual feelings. It really helps if the adults around them are ready to listen without being overly alarmed or dismissive. 

Who do I want to be with?

Relationships outside the family, particularly with same sex friends, become increasingly important. Very intense friendship groups and loyalties get formed, but these tend to shift and change as teenagers try to sort out who they are and where they belong. The constant checking of messages and media posts on smartphones are now an essential part of sorting all this out. As parents it’s worth gently staying in touch with how your teenager’s friendship groups are going. Remember that online groups can quickly exclude or criticise, resulting in a very unhappy teenager in the house.

Questions from teenage girls:  

Do people really accept me?

Young teenage girls are often drawn towards intense friendships which, when they work, can be the source of confidence and self-esteem. When the ‘best friend’ situation changes, girls can be vulnerable to painful feelings of self-doubt.  Depending on personality, this can lead to low mood and withdrawal or increased extrovert and even risky behaviour to compensate. 

All of this, as before, gets played out through social media, which is largely hidden from adult view. 

Of course, girls’ bodies are developing. Periods and the development of breasts can start early or late, and sexual feelings and their new bodies are not always in tune with how old they feel. It’s crucial to be available to talk about these things, as it can easily feel overwhelming. 

Questions from teenage boys: 

Who do I want to be?

Boys can express their sensitivities and what they’re grappling with in different ways. They can come across as grumpy, frustrated and hostile, or start to play the clown. There will be wider family views on what it means to be male but this won’t always match up with how it feels inside for your child.  

Increased sexual arousal can be difficult to know how to manage, it can make boys feel out of control and guilty. It can be really difficult for boys to know how to act in front of others. They are also susceptible to self-doubt and criticism, and it’s important they have access to support and opportunities to talk things through.

Helping parents get through the early teen years

It is important to realise children will want to distance themselves from their family at times. This can make parents feel powerless and inadequate. It can help if you know that pulling away, and gaining independence, is right on target at this age. If your children get your support now, they will come back to you later. 

Parents can get stirred up by their teenage children which puts them back in touch with strong memories and unfulfilled longings of their own. It’s important to try to stand back and see what your children need from you.  

Teenagers will push boundaries with their behaviour. This can be infuriating to parents unless you can step back and think about what’s being communicated.

Passing the ‘packet of feelings’

When teenagers feel overwhelmed by feelings, often they simply don’t know what to do with them or how to feel better. It’s as if they have a ‘packet of feelings’ which they pass on to another person. For example, feelings of helplessness can be stirred in their parents making them feel ineffectual. The parent feels hurt, baffled and useless and there goes the packet in a very effective way – away from the teenager, successfully delivered to the adult! If parents can understand this process, they are likely to be more tolerant and less likely to fall into the trap of fighting back, or feeling endlessly demoralised.

Limit-setting and saying ‘no’

It’s important that we remember that parents can’t actually make teenagers do what they want! It can be really hard to find out what works with adolescents, knowing when and how to hold ground. Parents who simply try to lay down the law – for example, ‘get off your phone or lose it for a month!’ – Are likely to get a resentful or moody response.

Teens do challenge or break rules, but this is all part of finding out where the limits are. This can make parents feel angry or exasperated, as if they’ve hit up against a brick wall.

It is important to talk about limits along these lines:

• Say clearly what you want, and what you find unacceptable

• Explain calmly why the limits are there in the first place

• Listen to your teenager’s point of view and discuss it

• Be clear on consequences

• Stay fair but follow through when house rules are broken

The breakdown of relationships between parents and young people

The painful reality is that some parents can’t bear the pressures that their teenage children put them under. Teenagers sometimes get overlooked and it’s easy to think of them as older than they are. This often happens as parents hit their own ‘mid-life crises’. Teens can be very alert to feeling that they have to fend for themselves. If parents separate during these years, it can be hard to empathise with adolescents’ ‘ups and downs’, especially when there is a new partner or younger children to think about. 

Try to keep the adult conversations between adults. It’s helpful to stay in touch with your teen one-to-one. It’s also worth remembering there may be other more neutral adults who can be of support when the going gets tough, such as close family or friends. 

Awkward questions about sex

It’s very embarrassing for teenagers to imagine that any adults, let alone their parents, have sexual lives. But they do need to have help in entering the world of relationships. It really helps the young person’s wellbeing and future mental health if parents and carers are thoughtful, sensitive and accepting of a young person’s developing sexuality and avoid giving the message that attraction towards the same sex is extraordinary. Young teens have a lot to manage, and may be interested or scared at the prospect of sexual relationships. This might be the time when they consolidate their sexual identity, which can be a relief or a daunting prospect. Of course teens also need access to information about the age of consent, contraception, the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases but most of all they need someone to help them deal with the emotional side of it all.

Sharing something of your own experience, and being honest about the pitfalls and difficulties of making and keeping relationships, is likely to be appreciated. 

What schools can do

Many schools try to find ways of offering help to vulnerable pupils. It is important for parents to find out how the pastoral side of your child’s school works:

• What systems are in place for personal support for each student?

• What processes are there for when things go wrong?

• What is the school’s anti-bullying policy?

Parents may need to persist in finding answers to these questions and mobilising help. Young people can be hesitant about reaching out for help in a formal way. 

Exams

Entering into secondary school brings new pressures about exams and tests. Young teens put this at the top of the list of what stresses them. However, these issues compete with many others which may not be so easy to spot. 

Achieving good marks in a test may seem irrelevant to young teenagers struggling to maintain a popular social media profile, or stressing over their body image (including online). The future – with further study or a job – might feel too far ahead to think about. 

Recognising how confused and overwhelmed young people can feel, and how many issues they are dealing with at once is key to understanding them. A helpful approach is slowing down, remembering to be sympathetic and keeping an ear out for what’s going on. If teenagers feel too alone they may try to solve their problems through the ‘buzz’ and release they can get from risky behaviours including substance misuse, online pornography and self-harm.

Getting help when things go wrong

One of the hardest things for parents of young people is to have a sense of when to intervene and when it makes sense to wait and see. Part of being an adolescent involves trying things out, testing your parents, and going a bit too far. Parents need to give their children some leeway, but at the same time recognise that all behaviour means something.

There may be times in your teenager’s life when your concerns go beyond the everyday worries and you feel out of your depth. It makes sense for you to get advice and support for yourself, even if you are just checking things out.

Problems to get help with include: 

• Sleep – has trouble falling or staying asleep, or complains of restlessness, early waking.

• Ongoing moodiness – is tired, grumpy, irritable, tearful or upset most of the time. 

• Feeling hopeless – like nothing can help

• Restlessness, keyed-up or on edge. 

• Feeling panicky, or overly anxious all the time.

• Feeling flat – losing interest in things they used to enjoy and trouble starting and completing projects.

• Lack of concentration – easily distracted 

• Becoming withdrawn and avoiding friends. 

• Refusing to eat or eating a lot, and either losing or gaining weight quickly 

• Persistently not wanting to go to school – perhaps physically feeling bad, with unexplained aches and pains.

• Five of these for two weeks or ongoing

If your child is behaving unsafely of has thoughts of self-harm and/or suicide you should seek professional help immediately.  

Apart from home, school is the single most important place in the lives of most children. Their experience of school will play a vital part in their lives and will determine their academic, social and, probably, their occupational future. Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist Diana Radeva looks at why some children might be anxious or struggling in school and how they may be supported through these challenges.

The very beginning of this journey at the reception year is crucial. Research shows that there is a continuous link between the progress that children make in their first year in school and the grades they will eventually achieve at the time they graduate from high school. Schools carry on from families, both in setting challenges, and in providing ways – different from those learnt at home – for managing difficulties.

Starting school

All changes are stressful and going to school for the first time is a big event for children, whatever their previous experience. These challenges may include separating from their main caregivers for extended periods of time; leaving home with its familiar surroundings; managing on their own – being independent; meeting different people, learning new skills and performing new tasks; having a teacher whose communication style may be different from the parent, and so on.

Many children may feel a bit reluctant to go to school at first. There are so many adjustments to make that it may take time to settle in. But if a child is still reluctant to go to school after the first few terms, she or he may need additional support. 

Reluctance to go to school may sometimes reflect the child’s anxiety about leaving home. 

Children who have not made the usual moves towards independence, find it difficult to separate. Some children may not be able to face school because they are preoccupied with anxieties about what is happening at home: jealousy of their caregiver being with a new baby or younger brother or sister; worry about how a parent is managing without them; anxieties about their parents social, emotional or mental health; sudden or multiple changes at home, and so on. 

The anxiety may also be about difficulties with getting to school, conflicts with other children or the demands of the schoolwork. 

If your child is reluctant to go to school, explore all the possibilities and discuss these with the school.

Getting on with other children 

Our relationship to others forms an integral part of human existence. For children just starting out on this journey, it may take them some time to sort out their place amongst the others. Groups and ‘best friendships’ usually emerge during the first school year, although they may not survive for a very long time. The ups and downs of friendships may be painful for children, but most of them establish ways of relating to one another in a more or less harmonious way. These are amongst the most powerful experiences of childhood, outside the home, and set up the child’s abilities to manage social relationships for the future.

As they move on to secondary school, children tend to divide into same sex groups, often expressing some contempt for the other sex. This seems to be a preparation for adolescence – a way of establishing interests and attitudes appropriate to the culture of being a teenage boy or a teenage girl. Boys and girls will get together again in a few years’ time.

Children who have ‘girl friends’ and ‘boy friends’ at primary school may be responding to social pressures or what they see on television or social media, rather than their own real wishes and capacity for relationships.

Most children will settle in well amongst the others. But children who are not able to feel comfortable amongst other children may have difficulties that would be worth exploring with the school.

Bullying 

Parents are often worried about bullying as they feel a natural wish to protect the child when he or she is not physically with them. 

Children of different ages have a different understanding of being bullied. Younger children complain that any child who is nasty to them is bullying whilst older children tend to experience bullying as being on the receiving end of a more deliberate and targeted campaign by a particular child or children. 

In our modern society social media enables greater communication between children, often without the oversight of adults. Sadly, this creates more opportunity for children to experience bullying or criticism.

Children who have relatively secure relationships with adults and other children are usually able to enlist help in managing the situation, if another child or group of children is nasty to them. Children who are insecure or disadvantaged in some way tend to feel more vulnerable to being bullied. Vulnerabilities may include: those who are new to a school and have not yet formed friendships; those who do not relate easily to other children; those who are seen as different through disability, skin colour or language.

Vulnerable children are immeasurably helped if those around them understand their struggles, create an ‘open door’ approach if the child needs to express or talk about their difficulties and finally work together to ease these difficulties for the child, for example putting in place ‘school buddies’, building acceptance of difference into the curriculum, valuing the achievements of all the children despite difference.

Sadly, children who bully are often not too different from those they pick on and have often been bullied themselves. These children feel frightened or at a disadvantage and are unable to talk about how they feel, so they pick on other disadvantaged children to make themselves feel that they are ‘better than somebody’.

It is important for all the adults around these children to help them with their inner feelings of fear or disadvantage in order to break the cycle of bullying.

For parents and caregivers, it is important to take every complaint of bullying seriously, while trying to get a balanced picture of what’s going on. If bullying and unhealthy relationships persist, parents and children should get together with the teachers to deal with the situation. Your child’s school is likely to have an ‘anti-bullying’ policy and individual complaints will need to be looked at in this context. What is helpful for children is to see adults, both parents and teachers, acting together to protect them.

Getting on with teachers

Children have to adjust to a range of new adults during their time at school. Most children enjoy meeting different adults but are likely to feel more comfortable with some than with others.

Children who have had a good experience of appropriate authority figures (such as a firm but fair parent) are likely to have both positive and challenging experiences with teachers over the years but are most likely to find ways of managing and learning from these differences. However, some children may not have experienced helpful authority figures in their lives and may react to teachers’ directions and instructions with opposition or anger. In this case, it is helpful for parents and teachers to get together and think about what the underlying difficulties may be and how the teacher’s authority is being perceived by the child. If parents and teachers can think together, changes may then be made at home and at school.

What does attention-
seeking mean?

One of the main adjustments that children must make in school is towards being one amongst many. How they manage this will largely depend on their experiences in life so far.

Children who are secure in the attention of their parents and family are likely to feel comfortable with their fellow pupils, and confident that they can get the attention of the teacher when they need it. If a child, for whatever reason, feels ‘unattended to’ by caregivers, they may instead seek to gain the constant attention of adult figures at school. These children may employ a number of strategies:

• clinging to the teacher at all times

• developing tummy aches or frequently bursting into tears

• creating or involving oneself in drama’s with others

• getting the teacher’s attention by doing something naughty

These children are ‘rewarded’ by the protests of the teacher, and often of parents at home. They may well develop a habit that will become disruptive in school in the long-term.

Learning

Schoolwork can arouse a number of anxieties in children and their parents. Can they do the work? Do they understand it? 

Trial and error are an important part of learning. If we do not have the confidence to try something, and possibly fail, then we are unlikely to learn new skills and have new experiences. Children who are confident and secure in themselves tend to adopt a more trial and error approach. Children who are less self-confident or are preoccupied with other worries, may need additional help to learn. Broadly, children will fall into one of the following categories:

• Some children will have no difficulty in asking for help and they will be able to persevere until they understand something new or challenging.

• Some children feel terribly persecuted by the idea of not knowing or understanding something and may pretend that they do know or may feel that they don’t need to know the information anyway.

• Some children find learning too anxiety provoking and may need many opportunities to learn, particularly in less stressful environments such as small groups or one to one. 

If your child is struggling with learning, try to understand what may be at the root cause of this and work with the school to try to find ways of lessening the child’s anxiety or difficulty so that he or she can learn with greater ease.

• Children learn best when they are happy and secure. Encouragement and praise enable a child to learn much better rather than criticism.

• Homework may be an important part of your child’s school career. The way parents respond to their child doing homework will have a big impact on the child’s willingness or enthusiasm to complete it.

• Take an interest in your child’s work and find out what’s going on at school without being intrusive: children need to be allowed some privacy and do not always take kindly to questions like ‘What happened at school today?’

• Take tales of bullying seriously and investigate but try to keep an open mind and resist searching for someone to blame.

• Remember that we have all had some sort of experience of school ourselves and this may impact upon our worries or concerns about our own children going to school. Try to be mindful of separating your own experiences from the actual experiences of your child. 

Competitiveness

One consequence of a greater emphasis on schoolwork and achievement as children progress through the school system is that children begin to compare themselves and what they can do with one another. When marks are given for work, the question arises about who gets the best marks.

Sometimes parents are more competitive about their children than the children themselves, storing up trouble for the children, particularly if they do not achieve all their parents would like for them. This may be linked to a parent’s feelings about their own experience of school. Fear of letting down their parents, as well as themselves and their teachers may lead to undermining children’s confidence and possibly leading to results that do not do justice to their real ability.

Children and their parents cannot avoid the pain of comparison and the reality of their children’s successes and failures. Parents can give their children the most positive support by concentrating on what has been done well.

Looking only at what could be done better risks undermining a child’s confidence in their achievements and reinforcing feelings of failure. An open recognition of the issues and valuing all of a child’s strengths – not just academic achievements – can make all the difference to how children see themselves.

Difficulties with learning

It is important to sort out what may underlie a work problem. Has previous work been missed? Does the child have intrinsic learning difficulties? Is the child preoccupied with worries or concerns, at home or at school, and doesn’t have space in their minds to learn? It is always helpful to establish the nature of any difficulties as early as possible, to minimise the length of time the child is working at a disadvantage.

Educational psychologists are there to help with the diagnosis and treatment of many of these problems and can give advice on learning difficulties, and on many of the other issues raised here. 

Leaving Primary School

The move from primary to secondary school is a major change for everybody. Children and their parents are bound to have mixed feelings about leaving behind a familiar environment. 

Challenges in secondary school may include:

• Moving from a feeling of being a ‘big fish in a small pond’ to a ‘small fish in a big pond’

• Having multiple teachers as opposed to one teacher for the whole day

• Being taught in different classrooms in different parts of the school 

• Increased expectations for quantity and quality of work and homework

• Greater expectations of children to be more independent with their learning and other aspects of the school day e.g. getting dinner, preparing for PE.

There are also many exciting advantages of moving up to secondary school:

• A greater breadth of curriculum and opportunities to specialise in chosen topics

• Opportunities to make new friendships

• Greater experience of responsibility and autonomy

• A ‘fresh’ start

All children need support when they make this move and many schools recognise this, visits to the new school in the final primary year can be very reassuring for anxious pupils, as well as their anxious parents!

Contact Diana on
083 893 0386 or
dradeva.childpsychotherapy@gmail.com

In focusing on eight to nine-year-olds, I will look at the ‘latent’ stage of child development when children gradually move away from reliance on their family and become more concerned with the outside world. This is the period when they have a rest from some of the turbulence and passion of the early years and face a range of new tasks and challenges. School has been a feature of their life for about three years but it changes at this point into something a little more formal. 

Once children go to school and begin to count and grasp the names and meanings of numbers, they often look forward eagerly to the time when they will be 10-years-old – double figures! 

This article is intended to focus on the outlook of children who are no longer little, having instead to acquire skills and a perspective that are not-so-distant from the views they will hold as an adult later. This is the world of the child who is leaving behind the early years’ experience, greatly coloured by home and family, and beginning to move onto a more independent self-aware perspective and to tackle a wider, deeper challenge than before. Although this is not yet the era of the adolescent, perhaps the most noticeable characteristic of children in this group is their commitment to a bigger group and becoming a member of a group, while simultaneously striving to make sense of their growing awareness of an identity and ultimately an independent life. When faced with a challenge, 10- and 11-year-olds may not display signs of vulnerability or anxiety the way a younger child would do, because they already had to construct ways of managing a whole range of feelings in order to flourish in groups away from their families. 

Family relationships 

The relationships with the children’s families will begin to change. Suddenly it is not Mum and Dad who are the most desirable companions with whom all pleasure and pains are shared. If parents are surprised by this development, it might be easy to miss the more subtle request for love and support. The significant point of this age is a deep connection between a pre-pubertal child and their mother. By this age, children will have started to make comparisons between the relative assets and qualities of one mother and another, but also they will be forming their identity in relation to the picture they have of their mother. 

Friendships and social life

Friendships also have a significant contribution to the development of the 10- and 11-year-olds; they are essential stepping stones in their emotional and social growth. Girls are often steeped in the culture of best friends. The best friend represents a vital transition between the emotional world of the child, and that of the later adult. Before the dawn of adolescence and a more overt preoccupation with romantic attachments, and sexual relationships, girl will begin to explore the nature of relationships through their close friendships. Unlike the games and occupations of slightly younger girls, at 11, girls will want friendships that are governed by a kind of exclusivity, or even secrecy. Best friends are tightly bound together, sometimes against the world outside. Sometimes the closeness can be detrimental to others. 

Without resorting to bullying or overtly unkind behaviour, many girls lean towards complicated comments and arrangements that establish the bond with a close friend while excluding others. This behaviour can also be seen among boys, who often channel these feelings into behaviour that is governed by formal rules, such as the rules of a club or sport activity. However, for most children, this aspect is an ordinary part of developing a sense of belonging. That is to say, under pressure, they create a closed relationship, which cheers and supports them, leaving another child to cope with the discomfort of the loneliness. 

The onward journey

In this era, children are at a crossroads. The evidence of growth, and of time passing, highlighted by the arrival of that second digit to their age underlies an awareness of themselves as separate individuals. Whatever their circumstances, or whatever the characteristics of their personalities, they know that their days as helpless, dependent and inexperienced beginners are now numbered. Their response to this realisation and their feelings about themselves and the world they inhabit may be infinitely varied. Inevitably our children’s point of view of the world they inhabit will be influenced by their experience of ourselves as parents. Our continued interest, understanding and curiosity about our child, and our greater experience that can reassure and support them in their times of difficulty, is one of the most valuable assets they have in their growth toward adulthood. 

In focusing on eight to nine-year-olds, I will look at the ‘latent’ stage of child development when children gradually move away from reliance on their family and become more concerned with the outside world. This is the period when they have a rest from some of the turbulence and passion of the early years and face a range of new tasks and challenges. School has been a feature of their life for about three years but it changes at this point into something a little more formal. 

Questions about identity move beyond the confidence of the family. The child is no longer simply the child of their parents but an individual who feels defined in a more complicated way. Children will describe themselves not only by name but also by school, by year group, by neighbourhood, by favourite soccer team and possibly by friendship group.

When all is going well, and there are firm foundations to build on from the child’s earlier experience, these ‘latency’ years are about the mastery of new skills and the accumulation of knowledge. Children are finding out about the real world, at the same time as enjoying forays into the world of fantasy, magic and mystery. They are developing a sense of right and wrong and might become very preoccupied with questions of justice. The world is often seen as consisting of ‘goodies’ and ‘baddies’ and there is a strong preference for stories in which good triumphs over evil and there is a happy ending. Causes such as the protection of the endangered species are very appealing to children at this developmental stage and they may become zealous about environmental issues such as energy preserving or recycling. They need to believe they can make a difference and may be overwhelmed by some of the harsher realities of life. 

Children of this age tend to revel in making collections, whether it be of various kinds of stickers, cards or accessories. The collections provide the focus of some element of rivalry and competition, as well as an arena for the assessment of relative value and the development of bargaining skills. Children respond enthusiastically to being awarded badges or stickers and thrive on praise and recognition. 

Eight and nine-year-old children vary enormously in their physical development. Some are beginning to stretch out and look as if they are just waiting to move into adolescence. Others are still round-faced and somehow toddlers. By the age of nine, there may be some girls who have begun to menstruate, although this sign of physical maturity is unlikely to be matched by emotional or psychological development. For the most part, this is an age group in which boys and girls opt for friendships with their own gender and are intolerant of the other. 

The next stage

There is something deeply significant about nearly reaching double figures. By the time they are ‘nearly ten’ most children will have a coherent picture of who they are and how they fit into the bigger system of home, family and school. They will no longer see things in simple terms, as either right or wrong, but encompass a range of views or even acknowledge their ambivalent feelings. For the past two or three years, the energy that has been directed towards the acquisition of knowledge and skills; now they turn back to focus more fully on the world of human relationships.

In focusing on four to five-year-olds, this article looks at the changes that take place when children start to explore relationships beyond the family, and the world of friendships. Children at this age are so intensely curious about the world around them, this can prove to be both a source of joy and exhaustion. 

The primary focus of children at this age is on relationships, especially adult relationships. In other words, how do people join up? How did Mummy and Daddy join up? Where do I fit in this? In order to be able to form friendships of their own, the four- to five-year old has to move from the wish to have an exclusive relationship with one parent, in order to make a space for the other parent, as part of what becomes a triangular relationship. That is the way children develop a sense of themselves as different but connected to the parental couple. 

In some ways this age is a precursor of what is to come during the adolescent years, in terms of the struggle between the continuing need for parental care and attention and the desire for independence. 

One of the most delightful aspects of children at this age group is their endless curiosity about the world and their wish to understand their place in it. This is the time of questions: ‘Where do I come from?’ ‘Why…?’ ‘How…?’ and so on, sometimes to the extent of driving the parents mad.

The child is also beginning to be able to empathise, in other words, to put themselves into others’ shoes and imagine how they might be feeling. This ability to feel concern for others and care about their feelings is a major milestone in their development. However, when it comes to siblings, being able to ‘read’ and emphasise with them goes with knowing exactly how to wind them up and what will annoy them the most!

This, of course, is also the age at which the first major transition takes place – whereas, before going to nursery school or playground was a choice, now going to school is a legal requirement. Learning is more formalised, although in most reception classes nowadays there is a good balance between ‘work’ and play. Some children manage their anxiety by being intellectually able when they are not so socially at ease. Other lucky ones flourish in all ways. But most come somewhere in between, sometimes feeling left out and rejected and sometimes being right at the centre of things. Children have to learn to share a teacher’s attention; they also start to grasp more fully what it means not to be the special and the only one.

Friendships are becoming more solid, and more based on shared experience. When the rising five-year-old starts proper school, even if this is simply a transition from nursery to the reception class, it helps enormously if a child has firm friends who will be going on this journey with them. It is important to feel known and accepted by others outside the family. We can often see the delight on a child’s face when they locate a friend in the playground, and the despair when the friend is absent.

But all children of this age have one in common – a desire to find out about the expanding world. Perhaps the most important thing of all for a child this age is to feel that there is a space for them in their mother’s mind, where they feel that they are understood, and that their fears can be named and made manageable. They can then in turn transfer the feeling of having a space in another person’s mind to their teachers and friends, and perhaps more importantly, develop a space in their own mind where thinking can take place. The child’s sense of identity as separate but connected to their family will grow stronger, as they feel themselves reflected through the eyes of not only the mother but those of all the other significant people in their life. 

In this series of articles (‘Do we understand our child?’) Diana Radeva, child and adolescent psychotherapist sets out to consider the emotional life of children from birth onwards; and how relationships between children and parents evolve over time. It is a view of human growth, which recognises the importance of strong feelings experienced at each stage of development; thus offering ways that parents might find helpful when wanting to better understand their children’s growth. 

Anyone who spends time with three-year-olds can see how quickly their minds, bodies and personalities are developing. Each day they seem to become more articulate, competent, imaginative and challenging. It is the time children establish their identity: ‘This is me!’ 

The child’s social world expands hugely during this year as children generally become more able to play together at nursery and at home, enjoying imaginary games and roleplay. One of the major tasks of children and their parents is to manage the separation from each other, as children expand their horizons and move into social settings outside the home. 

Preparing for and managing the settling-in period at nursery is a huge experience for parent and child, providing a model for future separations. Those children who have had a satisfying one-to-one experience with mother (or father) in their early babyhood would in most cases find it easy to enter group care because they have inside them a secure picture of a caring parent figure with whom they have had an exclusive relationship. Children’s attitude and expectations of the outside world will depend to a large extent on their experience of home life with the adults closest to them.

Play and fantasy worlds

Play is a child’s work, their way of developing imagination, creativity and emotional life. Over the course of the third year the child’s imaginary life becomes increasingly complex and children can spend long stretches of time wrapped up in make-believe games on their own or with playmates. How delightful to have magical powers, strength and potency. With a wand food can magically appear, there is no need to rely on Mummy to provide it, injuries can be instantly healed and ‘baddies’ can be killed off. Imagine how difficult it must feel for a small child to be constantly aware of all the things they cannot do by themselves, all the skills they have yet to master, all the good things they are still totally dependent on their parents to deliver. A child needs to have some escape into a make-believe world where they can take on the role of being in charge and triumphing over all danger. 

Imaginary friends

Sometimes children develop an imaginary friend to help them manage feelings of exclusion or loneliness. Imaginary figures or stuffed animals can be useful for a child to transfer some of their feelings onto, particularly those feelings they might like to keep a distance from. 

Children fluctuate in their ability to grasp reality and permanence, at times believing that anything and everything is possible. This may become more noticeable when a child is faced with a possibly worrying situation, or a change in routine.

If one only takes a look around a nursery at the beginning of the new term to see how many children come dressed as fairies, gauze wings fluttering, wand waving, or wearing policemen’s helmets or carrying an old briefcase of Daddy’s and a toy mobile phone. A phone helps them feel emotional contact with absent parents. These accessories and the way they allow children to imagine themselves as having special powers, can help children get through stressful times, when they might otherwise collapse into tears. 

Family life

By three, the child’s feelings for mother and father will have undergone many changes and fluctuations, with sometimes father, sometimes mother in favour. At times, the couple together will be lovingly regarded, at other times jealousy could take over. If mother and father are living together, and even when they are not, the child will have an inkling of it at some level – that their parents have a separate and private relationship between them, of which the child is not a part. The child could feel intensely jealous of this relationship and become aware that they are excluded from this area. If parents sit together for a cuddle on the sofa, the child is likely to squeeze in between them. 

The child may become angrily frustrated with their own small child’s limitations, longing to have the strength and power of Daddy or Mummy’s rich supplies of food, love and beauty. Most parents have heard their child declare their love to one parent saying ‘When I am older, I am going to marry you/live with you’ excluding the other parent, who might feel rejected. It can be helpful to consider that a small child often gets others to understand how the child is feeling by behaving in ways that stir up these same feelings in ‘them’. So, in this case, the child’s hurt feelings about being the one left out of the parent couple are passed on the ‘left-out’ parent, who gets first-hand experience of what this feels like. The child’s actions seem to be saying: “Let him/her see what it feels like to be excluded’.

It is reassuring for a child to see that parents can understand and bear these intense feelings while remaining tender, comforting figures for the child, as well as firm and boundary setting. Although each parent will bring her or his own style to parenting, it can feel safer for a child if both parents are able to take on both roles.

Conclusion

Life with a three-year old is exhilarating and exhausting, full of delights and dramas. By the end of this year children will be launched into nursery school and socialising with friends. They will be self-sufficient in many ways, but will still need the loving care of their parents and close family as they move on to the next adventure, aged four.

The two-year old is poised on the cusp between babyhood and childhood. Eagerly reaching out to be one of the big ones, he or she is filled with ambition and often can be sophisticated in understanding and achieving. But this achievement is fragile, the clever boy or girl collapses easily and we see again that we have a baby here, wanting a good deal of the intimate nurturing that the baby gets.

Toddlers are learning what they can and what they can’t do. This is an age of extremes. Nothing is so abject as a downcast desperate toddler, and nothing is so full of pure delight as an elated one. Their method of dealing with life is by taking up extreme positions, and of course they are thoroughly unbalanced as a result. Part of the toddler’s extreme view of the world is bound up with the reality of his or her age and stage. Toddlers are physically very small.  

To begin with, two-year-olds are like people in charge of a big, crude machine. They lack subtlety. If something looks nasty, they may refuse it with all their energy, never mind that last time they accepted it eagerly. They do however, need, at least sometimes, to be treated with the thoughtfulness, which they themselves cannot achieve. It can be almost automatic to fall into the toddler’s own mode and join the battle. When we join battle with a toddler there is a huge difference between ‘taking over’ when necessary and knowing within ourselves that we have ‘lost it’, really become deeply angry and stirred and not able to rein that in. The truth is that the raw nature of the toddler’s feelings can set fire to something, which is almost equally primitive.

Many issues that children face at this age (sleeping, feeding, toilet-training) are potential areas of anxiety in the life of the two-year old as they all relate to the central point of development at this age: this is an age where some crucial facts about separation and loss have to be faced in order to for the development of independence and a sense of self to take place. Being able to feed yourself, face going into the dark on your own, take charge of your own toileting, all are points of growth. You have to say goodbye to the life of the dependent baby, a life where you were fed, rocked to sleep, your nappy changed. 

Hard work

I think it is important to acknowledge how complicated and demanding the job of bringing up a two-year can be. Small children are hard to be with twenty-four hours per day. One reason for this is the link with our own earliest experiences – we have all been two-year-olds, and this is the experience that we draw on, even without realising it.  When our children arrive at the toddler’s stage, our own toddler years are re-evoked, ghostly and powerful, out of sight. On the plus side, this is itself an advantage. This is how we understand what it is like, to be them. We need to be close to how they feel, but at the same time we must hang on to what we know as adults. The pull between the two produces a tension, which is tiring. 

When to worry

Many parents of small children worry a good deal, on and off. Very small children can’t manage their problems, conflicts, fears or anxieties; caring for them brings very specific type of mental intimacy. We feel with and for them, and we tend to up and down with them. 

What about problems that don’t go away? There is a simple rule of thumb which says, ‘Look round at all the aspects of child’s life. Is he eating? Sleeping? Getting on with other children? Enjoying himself? Learning new things?’ If the disturbance is in only ‘some’ areas, it seems reasonable to wait and see, or perhaps to give a touch of back to baby care. 

 However, if there are more considerable difficulties within the family we should take into account that two-year-olds often act like a gauge, a sort of thermometer, reacting to the weather or the temperature in the family. 

It’s important to keep in mind that human beings are both resourceful and adaptable. We need to remember, when we consider small children, how vulnerable and dependent they are. The lively, developing two-year-old is, at the same time, the point of hope in the family, a hope that things will go well and perhaps better than in the past.

Getting to grips with the idea that you are neither lord of the universe nor a lowly worm is a lifetime’s job. Two-year-olds in this year of their lives are forging ahead to learn what they can truly achieve, what actual control they have over themselves and their surroundings; and they are continuing the process of setting the foundations of their grown-up characters. 

As one-year-olds grow, their unique personality will begin to emerge more clearly. With increased mobility and a few words they are now better able to make their presence felt in the family. Each time they assert themselves is another opportunity to develop their own sense of identity, find out for themselves what kind of person they are. This journey of discovery is crucially important; babies need to find their own way in order to be their own person. And babies, like people, do things differently. 

Some children will thrust themselves on their families with great gusto at this time. Others will be more tentative and may need encouragement to assert themselves. Whatever the case, the important thing is that the lead comes from your baby rather than your baby fitting into someone else’s mould. 

Recognising the baby for who he or she is fosters the development that helps them feel they are themselves; only if they are themselves they can reach their potential. And this begins in the family. Whether your one-year old is the first child, the only child, or has brothers or sisters will make a difference. 

Our baby’s place in the family

If our one-year old is the first child, then he or she will probably have had more of your attention than if there are older brothers or sisters in the family. This is obviously beneficial in some ways: it is a special thing to have your parents’ attention all to yourself. Physical achievements will be quickly noticed and rejoiced over; first words may be spoken to a hushed, focused audience; first experiences will be firsts for everyone in the family and they will be treasured because of it. From an emotional point of view, being an oldest child could have other benefits. Our one-year-old may have to content with jealous feelings when younger brothers or sisters come along, but this also means that they will have worked through and survived this experience in childhood. Such previous experience in itself could help in later life in the approach to other relationships with similar feelings.

If our one-year old will be the only child in the family, then he or she will have some benefits of first children, and may also relax easily and comfortably in adult company, having had the advantage of a lot of interested adult conversation. Parents of only children will often make a bit effort to arrange regular play dates with their child’s friends so that they can mix with other children too. This is obviously helpful, as well as being fun for your child.

If our one-year old is already part of a family with brothers and sisters, there will be different issues to content with. Growing as part of a larger family has its benefits too. Being able to witness the rough and tumble of family life provides endless entertainment and stimulation. Certainly learning to share and being part of a group may be less of an issue if your baby is used to these things from early on. 

We have talked about how important it is that our one-year-old begins to assert him- or herself. Having one’s own opinions, likes, dislikes and favourites are part of what makes us the person that we are. Parents may want to encourage this in principle while recognising that the way ahead is paved with frustration – and not just for your baby. As babies begin to assert themselves in this way we need to recognise that some of their preferences may not be our own. 

Temper tantrums and fears

Our child having a tantrum can be a frightening and shocking experience. When the tantrums happen in public, as often seems to be the case; parents have to endure the humiliation of onlooking strangers, as well as everything else. 

With the extreme feelings of dependency and the wish for control, which our one-year-old is prey to, holding everything in balance can be a very insecure business. Sometimes the smallest thing can tip the balance and it’s not the thing itself, but the culmination of everything on top of each other, and all in the context of how hard it is to suffer being little and wanting to be big, or sometimes feeling overwhelmed by growing up and wanting to be little again. 

The tantrum, in all its force, will usually be directed at the mother or another carer. The adult’s role is to act as a container for all the child’s terrible, confusing, terrifying feelings. Our one-year-old depends on us to do this. 

But how do we react or ‘What do I do?’ Many parents find the answer to this through trial and error and a more experienced parent will at least have an idea of what won’t work. For example, parents soon realise that punishments, like smacking, just make things worse. Trying to reason with our child is also usually a non-starter, as he or she is beyond all reason. Usually, parents find that just holding their children or saying soothing words, if they will let us, is the best thing. Or we may, on the other hand, now be feeling so angry and upset ourselves that it’s better not to say a word until we feel calmer too.

Recognising that their most extreme feelings can be contained by us is very reassuring for our child. Uncontained feelings of this kind are experienced as very dangerous and come back to haunt young children. In fact, it is these very same attacking, hostile, tantrum-like feelings that are behind many of the irrational fears and phobias in childhood. 

All children have had tantrums at some point or another. But if you feel it is happening a lot, then you may want to think seriously about any ongoing issues that could be affecting your child and possibly ask your GP for a referral for help. 

In the third of the series, Diana looks at the first six weeks.

For most parents – and for most babies as well, the first six weeks are the hardest. After the intense emotions around labour and post-natal care suddenly being alone with a baby could be a daunting experience. It is particularly hard that the times the babies are most frightened and vulnerable, the first few weeks of their lives, is the time when parents are most vulnerable too, at times feeling uncertain whether their baby will really survive and flourish. 

A new baby fills up our minds and becomes our whole world. When things are going well, the pride and pleasure are indescribable. When things are difficult, it can feel like the end of the world. It is worth remembering that for most parents these first weeks are extremely hard work, and the ups and downs usually become less extreme as the time passes and the baby becomes more relaxed and easier to understand. 

Chaos versus routine

One of the most demanding aspects of a newborn baby is the way in which their life has no structure or predictability. But our ordered world must seem like a chaos to the newborn – new sensations, new smells and atmosphere, and a whole array of new sound and sights. It takes time, and for some babies more time than others before they gradually get used to their new lives and adapt to the expectations we put on them. 

Some parents find the lack of routine relatively manageable; while others find it helpful to lead their baby towards a more routine pattern of behaviour during the first weeks. However, it is vital that we reaming open to what our babies are communicating to us, and need us to understand. They ‘will’ be feeling bewildered and lost much of the time, and life will sometimes feel chaotic, frightening and without boundaries. In this situation we must be careful not to lose sight of our own need for stability and time to ourselves as adults. 

But of course during these early weeks there are intense moments of pleasure – seeing our babies putting on weight as skinny limbs become soft and round, the warmth of a well-fed baby, early glimpses of smiles. Perhaps most reassuring of all, there are moments when we do get it right, realising with exhilaration that our presence and comfort   are exactly what our baby needs.  

How the babies’ moods affect the parents

Babies are powerful little creatures with strong personalities, and their own intense emotional states strongly affect the feelings and moods of those caring for them. 

The extreme states of mind that the baby has to cope with are not far away from the feelings a mother can be facing alongside her baby. As first-time parents we can often feel that we have been plunged into an alien and rather terrifying world, where we have to learn our way around with amazing speed in order not to get lost. Babies bring turbulence with them and the urgency of their terror can be so powerful that we can feel that we have lost our bearings completely. Strong childlike feelings about our own parents can make a surprise reappearance when we become parents ourselves. Such states are not only inevitable but part of what we are going through – they can also make us particularly well placed to empathise with our babies and remain in touch with their intense emotions and neediness.

Coping with dependency 

As new parents we often gripped by a fear that out baby’s crying, sleeplessness, colic or absolute dependency are never going to stop. Over time we discover that things do get easier. 

But how does a newborn baby know – and how do first-time parents really know – that each phase will not last forever? Often in the first six weeks we might feel a rather strong anxiety about letting small babies become too dependent on a certain thing – sleeping in the parents’ bed, feeding on demand, dummies, being picked up each time they cry, or being allowed to fall asleep at breast or bottle – in case such things get set in stone. This kind of anxiety stems from a belief that the babies’ needs are endless and will never change. In fact this is not true. The baby might believe it and feel it so strongly, that they can even convince us at times. But we can help them learn otherwise, if we work hard at keeping our adult perspective. 

If a baby gets their reassurance from a particular thing – letting them have that as much as you reasonably can, helps them see that the world is a safe enough place, where comfort generally comes when you need it. With enough of these good experiences a baby will begin to feel more comfortable inside and stronger in their own skin. 

Although it is not always easy to stay in touch with such neediness, it is important that we keep trying, and not to lose sight of how tiny and vulnerable a baby is. Through responding to the urgency of their needs when they are most helpless, we are paving the way for them to learn gradually enjoy a bit more variety in life and cope with small doses of frustration. 

 By the end of the first six weeks, the utter helplessness of the newborn has usually been replaced by a more robust baby, more aware of its surrounding and more able to relax and enjoy. Most mothers are feeling a bit more ready to venture out in the world; the chaos is beginning to take some shape. 

Once the baby has begun to hold his head up a little, can recognise his parents and feeding time, enjoying both the food and the company, knowing that they belong to him and that he belongs to the world – then for many parents the joy and excitement of getting to know and love this growing baby, and being known and loved in return, really begin. 

In this series of articles (‘Do we understand our child?’) Diana Radeva, child and adolescent psychotherapist sets out to consider the emotional life of children from birth onwards; and how relationships between children and parents evolve over time. It is a view of human growth, which recognises the importance of strong feelings experienced at each stage of development; thus offering ways that parents might find helpful when wanting to better understand their children’s growth.

This is the extraordinary story of the ‘ordinary development’ as seen and experienced by a parent and a child psychotherapist. 

Birth is one of the great dramas of life. For both mother and child it is earth shattering, and we should not expect to get over it too quickly. 

Many parents feel that during labour they ‘lose’ themselves, as if their ordinary experiences suddenly feel insignificant; they are shaken and shocked, not sure where they are any more, perhaps even not sure who they are. Perhaps it is in this state, we are closest to understanding something of what our baby might be experiencing. We might feel out of control during labour but it helps us see how out of control the baby might feel. From the warm, fluid environment of the womb, the baby is now in a cold, airy space; let alone the bodily sensations they have never known – the newness of the breath coming in and out of the lungs, the sounds of unmuffled voices, the shock of gravity, and of hunger. Most babies will show their shock straight away, crying out urgently as soon as they have breath in their lungs; others may take time in expressing a response, not ready to take in the newness of it all.

Parents often feel intuitively that a new baby will find comfort in things that are as close to being familiar as possible – keeping the baby warm, allowing them to hear the familiar voices that they will recognise from the womb, offering food as soon as the baby needs it.

This is being done intuitively by a mother who is closely connected and in tune with her baby. Even if a mother feels out of depth and unsure about what to do, her absorption in her baby and the intense feelings which that brings are part of what the baby needs, to feel less alone and un-integrated.

Bonding

A great deal has been said about the importance of bonding with our babies immediately after birth, and parents may begin to feel as if their child’s future happiness depends on that. Some people fear that certain interventions during labour will have interfered with the all-important first hours with the baby. Of course, some first hours might be more pleasurable than others, but there is no such thing as an absolute correlation between a positive labour and successful bonding.

We all bond with our babies in different ways. Whatever kind of labour we had, things might feel difficult and unreal in the first hours after the baby is born. We might feel weepy, exhausted and bewildered; our babies might cry at night, or appear sleepy and unresponsive. It is not uncommon that the experience of birth is a let down, and some people do feel angry, sad and regretful if things did not go according to plan. 

All of this can be difficult and upsetting, and may well take time to heal. For some parents a difficult birth can exacerbate more deep-seeded issues in their lives, which might rise to the surface, making them feel much more vulnerable. But it is important to remember that in these early days nothing gets set in stone. It is possible to recover from difficult beginnings, and to help our babies recover as well. This can be the essence of ‘bonding’.  Whether we have a wonderful home birth or an extended, painful labour, a traumatic experience of emergency intervention, an elective caesarean, or a quick and easy delivery, we have just as much potential to be good parents, to bond with our babies, to love them and look after them.

 Early days: being beginners

Having finally met, most parents can’t take their eyes off their new baby and are totally absorbed, finding every detail wonderful and miraculous. A newborn baby is endlessly fascinating. 

But sometimes, as new parents, we might feel under pressure to show that we are competent even if deep down we are feeling raw, emotional and out of our depth. Such expectations often come from within ourselves; not just from the outside world. Many women can find themselves trying to live up to an image of effortless motherhood. This is a losing battle. Ideals of motherhood can also get in the way of getting to know our baby, remaining as open as we can to what they are communicating and being as true to ourselves as we possibly can along the way. 

Childbirth and early days are often much more messy than the parents could have imagined, both physically and emotionally. Both parents have to come to terms with their lives being changed completely, and this, combined with exhaustion, inevitably throws up new tensions and frictions between them. It seems inevitable that at some point the new parents will feel wobbly and scared, in between the more euphoric moments. And this is far from being a sign of failure.

First feeds: bottle or breast?

Most mothers have strong preconceptions about how they will feed their babies and what feeding will be like. But in reality often issues that arise around feeding are much more emotional and beyond our control that we could have envisaged. 

Sometimes a mother can be amazed by her baby knowing what to do, latching on and sucking vigorously from day one. But some women who envisaged happily breastfeeding their babies are shocked to find that things are much more complicated, often for reasons that no one can fully explain. In some situations – when there are inverted or painful nipples, a baby who doesn’t latch on or a failure to gain weight – it can take a huge amount of perseverance and stamina to keep going until breastfeeding becomes enjoyable rather than stressful. For some women this can be soul- destroying and threaten their belief in themselves as ‘good’ mothers. 

Breastfeeding is a very emotive issue and, like childbirth, provokes strong and passionate feelings about what is and what is not ‘natural’. This can add more pressure when a baby and mother are struggling to find what is best for them. It would certainly be easier to listen to ourselves and our babies, discovering what is best for us, if we didn’t feel so laden down with value judgements. 

Breastfeeding can provide some of the most intimate and precious moments between a mother and a baby, offering a particular form of closeness and pleasure together. However, if breastfeeding doesn’t work out, this doesn’t mean that the mother and baby will be deprived of intimacy and closeness. From the baby’s perspective, the most important thing is that feeding should be something enjoyable, received and given with pleasure. No matter how a mother ends up feeding, a more relaxed mother is better able to reassure her baby then one who is stressed and uncomfortable with what she is doing. 

I believe that no other relationship in our lives involves so many opinions about the right and the wrong way of doing things. Perhaps because there is something so vulnerable and helpless about babies, people feel so strongly about ‘doing the right thing’ by them. All parents, however competent, will get it wrong sometimes. It helps if we are not too critical and demanding of ourselves, but accept that we and our baby need time together to begin the long, complex and fascinating task of getting to know each other.

Diana continues to practice; She can also offer online consultations to parents and young people to support families through these unsettling times.

In this series of articles (‘Do we understand our child?’) Diana Radeva, child and adolescent psychotherapist sets out to consider the emotional life of children from birth onwards; and how relationships between children and parents evolve over time. It is a view of human growth, which recognises the importance of strong feelings experienced at each stage of development; thus offering ways that parents might find helpful when wanting to better understand their children’s growth.

This is the extraordinary story of the ‘ordinary development’ as seen and experienced by a parent and a child psychotherapist. 

The first year of life is such a key time. Adults know that babies need the physical essentials of warmth, food and good care. But more and more we are starting to see that babies do not just need that. They have an intense emotional life and can only grow in mutual relationship with their parents. As parents, we are deeply affected by our babies’ strong feelings, sometimes filled with pleasure and delight, and sometimes frightened or anxious.

 A baby has a powerful need to be understood. At times we will find that task easy.  But it is inevitable at other times to feel that is has gone wrong. Like any other relationship, relationships between parents and babies cannot just be easy and straightforward. Recovering from the difficulties and misunderstanding is an essential part of getting to know and love each other.

Beginnings

Perhaps we all enter parenthood filled with a strong, almost instinctive wish to satisfy the needs of our growing baby and to offer the best start in life. Often we feel the need to get things ‘right’ for the new baby – from eating the right things during pregnancy (or feeling tranquil or playing classical music) through to having a ‘natural’ birth followed by immediate skin-to-skin contact in the loving arms of two calm and happy parents.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with aiming for this kind of ideal. However we need to be wary of feeling that any kind of deviation from this means that we have failed our baby or ourselves. ‘Bonding’ takes many forms and does not only happen when things are going smoothly. The process of bonding involves enjoying the good moments as well as facing painful experiences and finding ways through them together.

Pregnancy

A wanted pregnancy can bring strong pleasure and joy. Sometimes if there have been earlier miscarriages, medical interventions or anxieties, parents can feel overwhelming gratitude towards the unborn baby. But even when there were no complications parents often feel that the baby is a gift and this can increase the warmth and the tenderness.

However, it is also natural that the anxieties about the wellbeing of the baby are at their height, a woman can be feeling half-dead with sickness and exhaustion. The needs of the new baby are intense and seem to overshadow everything else. And while the baby is completely looked after inside the womb; the mother and father might be feeling much more drained from their own resources, worried and vulnerable.

It is important to bear in mind that such feelings are normal and might appear from time to time, both before and after birth.  Looking after the needs of someone else is a challenging prospect.

Turning to the baby’s experience: common view is that life in the womb is idyllic – no frustration, no unmet needs, just peace and tranquillity. At the same time that is no easy for the pregnant woman: Lugging extra weight around, unable to sleep, sick, exhausted, hungry.

Towards the end of pregnancy, we tend to assume that life has become pretty uncomfortable for the baby, as it certainly has for the mother. Whatever we might imagine about life inside, we can be sure that the baby has become accustomed to the their own little world.  As far as the baby is concerned, this is the world. Approaching the moment of birth is a massive shock. The baby’s little world is not only about to be turned upside down and changed beyond recognition, but actually lost forever and replaced by something altogether different.

Labour

So much importance is ascribed to the way in which a baby enters the world. Perhaps this is because birth is the first dramatic separation – mother from baby and baby from mother. Even though most parents will be counting the weeks and the days until they finally meet their baby, anticipating that first moment of separation can stir up all sorts of anxieties. Attitudes towards childbirth – pain relief or not, medical versus natural, hospital versus home – are all linked to our fantasies about what that first moment of separation. Some parents project their fears onto the medical profession, seeing doctors as interfering presence threatening the fulfilling experience they long for. Others see the dangers more inside their own bodies: the physical pain and the medical risks fill them with dread and they are glad to place themselves in the hands of experienced professionals to get them safely through. Many parents find it reassuring to try to claim back some control for themselves through detailed birth plans and child classes.

However much we prepare ourselves for childbirth, finding ourselves in completely unknown and unpredictable territory is something we all have to deal with, both during the birth and afterwards with our newborn baby.  The experience of childbirth challenges many of our assumptions about ourselves, at the deepest level. There is no way to predict how we will feel or react. We just have to accept that both baby and parents are entering one of the most demanding transitions of their lives. We can only try to manage what is thrown at us, appreciating that we, like the baby, may need plenty of time and space to find our bearings afterwards.

Next Month…Do we understand our baby (continued)